Revision as of 19:48, 11 April 2008

YOU HAVE BEEN VERBINATED

Name: Matthew Verbin

Community Standing: Sinner

Religion: Sun Worship

Location: Phoenix Arizona

Motto: I'm short, and it is not my fault

Known Aliases:

• Little Retarded Matthew
• Miniature Matthew
• Little Matt
• Mini Verbin
• The Wizzard
• Winston the Ogre
• Fidget

Goals:

• Boosting perception of true height
• Getting my race car driver image back
• Revenge on Bob Harris And Ron Harris .
• Having Matthew Verbin Its 3:00
  • Shouted At Local Phoenix Sporting Events.
  • Shouted On Phoenix Radio Stations.
  • Posted On Community Bulletin Boards.
  • Painted In Forms Of Grafitti.

People who I Like to Impersonate:

• Harry Potter
• Peter North
• Angela Basset
• Danny Pintauro

People they say I look like:

• Tony Cox
• Michael Dunn
• Emmanuel Lewis
• John Rhys-Davies (Lord of the Rings)

People I hate in order of raging hateness:

• Rusty Shackleford
• Gene Papaloma
• Rob Spewac
• Hule Howser
• Owa Je
• Clevon Little
• Dave Damashec
• Bozo The Clown
• Ray Stevens And Guitarzan

People With Current Orders of Protection:

• Ken Patera
• Emmanuel Lewis (Webster)
• Edward Hunter (Rent-a-midgit.com)
• Stacy Lynn (Shadows Caberet)
• Craig Reed (Chippendales)
• Doug Llewelyn (The Peoples Court)

Establishments I'm Barred From:

• www.discountstationers.com
• Christies Toy Box
• K.B. Toys
• Old Country Buffet
• Chucky Cheese
• Anywhere near Phoenix Union High School District
• Babe's Caberet

Matthew in the News Papers (look mom, I'm famous)

The Life of a Debunked Race Car Driver

The Buffalochip Bulletin

Benjamin Bunker

March 23, 2008

Matthew Verbin is a multi-talented young Lass. His extensive crayon resume credits him as a radio station program director, a motor-sports icon, Scottsdale’s ballet teacher of the year in 1996 and the choreographer that came up with the flamboyant dance movements preformed by N'Sync. He was the Clark County Junior Assistant to the valet at the MGM, raced a cotton candy fuchsia 4 door Skylark in Rome Georgia for a record crowd of 55 gender confused alcohol crazed hillbillies, won 3 best dressed men’s room attendant awards from the highly regarded law-firm of Van Huasen, Smith, Smith and Van Huasen and accurately predicted an early Spring in 2006. He even taught Cody Rudacowsky of the PHX Roadrunners hockey team how to tend goal.

Verbin recognized that 3:00 was always best for his tribe’s Peyote fueled vision quests. He is the consummate little man but his life was not always the successful opus that you read about today. He has had his hard times, like the time he was stripped of his panty inspector license by his own father and was forced out of the home he shared with his parents. Then ushered in the crumbling of this virtual empire when his 5’2” stance and counterfeit life came into the public eye. University of Arizona Campus Police answering a complaint found Verbin hiding in the bathroom of a room littered with sex toys, drugs and assosiated parafinailia. Shortly after being charged, within weeks he was back on the radar after being seen by police disgarding a plastic baggie containing drugs and trying to hide a marijuana pipe. At 31 he found himself in the deepest, darkest period of his small life. He soon learned that a keyboard could be his commando. Illuminated by the light from his Tandy computer screen, he stayed awake for days on end writing emails to the ‘Fat-Cats’ about the global positioning of what he titled "I-KEC".

Then came the realization that he and only he could save the sad-sac that was his current state by marketing and distribution of the self branded VERBS Brown Sugar, VERBS Pixi-Stix, VERBS HERBS, VERBS Super-Duper DEX-O-Drein, VERBS Pure Columbian Baby Powder and VERBS Colorado Cool-Aid. Now back on top he had resurrected his life and was headed for the big time, Burke, VA where he started the AZFBA. Imagine a car club where one man can take a rusted out Ford Pinto and with the help of cardboard, spray-paint, coat-hangers and a few plastic eggs of Silly Putty, turn a POS into the iconic hunk of junk know as the ‘Verbinating Victorious Vicious Viper of Verbs’. Rumors not withstanding, it was a moderate success.

Matthew A. Verbin …… Tiny Man, Large Ego, All-American.

Radio Riot At Cool Dave's

The Clearwater Post

Dick Simmons

07-24-00

Fm Radio, entertaining sure, but when does talk go to far. When WQUN the KUN's troublemaking DJ Matthew "Lil'Wookie" Verbin starts A brawl at a local bar.

Verbin started his 3:00am live broadcast from Cool Daves Sip & Strip highly intoxicated. When Verbin began to harass a 23-year-old waitress, the inebriated DJ was confronted by a group of men who had a problem with the sexual nature of his comments. Police reported that is when Verbin wielding a microphone struck one of the men. The group began to kick, stomp, punch and pummel Verbin live on the air. A borage of obscenities could be heard over the station’s airwaves. The rest of Cool Daves cliental lost their "cool" and spilled out into the parking lot in a sloberknocker of a fight. Police arrived in force due to the amount of drunk brawlers. Most of the fights scattered when the police arrived with lights flashing. Verbin proceeded to jump in WQUN's Ford Econoline and lead police on a 50 minute chase through downtown. When the Shock-Jock crashed the van into a Taco Bell attempting to race through the drive-up-window, officers subdued him with use of Tazers and took him into custody. When the dust settled, 33 people were treated at local hospitals for injuries related to the altercation and several later arrested. WQUN subsequently fired Verbin just before 5:00am that same morning. He was sentenced 15 days jail and was ordered to pay a $2500 fine. The FCC is now investigating the incident.

Chaos At The Old Country Buffet

The Idaho Dispatch

Candy Nuberg

08-03-07

What happens when you mix three days without sleep, alcohol, and a buffet restaurant? Answer - Chaos. That’s what Police and Idaho Falls residents can attest too. On August 5, Tourist, Scottsdale resident and known troublemaker throughout the western States, Matt Verbin, turned the Old Country Buffet on 5th Avenue from a peaceful atmosphere into complete Anarchy. Witnesses stated that while enjoying their meals, large portions of mashed potatoes began to strike the beef serving station chef. When a few patrons attempted to stop the assault, Verbin launched himself into a tirade and began to assault customers. At this point several children joined into the festival by returning fire using vegetables, chicken, Jello, just about anything they could get their hands on. When police arrived they were greeted with a fruit salad offense being staged by Verbin himself. He was immediately taken into custody without further incident and treated for burns he had received. Verbin was sentenced to two days jail served and a $1500 fine. He offered no explanation as to his motivations. Verbin has filed a lawsuit against The Old Country Buffet claiming that if the Pasta and Cheese dish had been allowed to cool before being severed he would not have suffered injuries. The case is pending.

Chubby Fists of Fury

Pleasant Times

Kristi Eycke

Pleasant Valley, GA September 7: Robbery is never funny. Except when it's described by an Arizona resident with a peculiar sense of humor. Early this morning, Matthew Verbin, 29, was returning from a grocery store with a gallon of milk when, as he told police, he was surrounded by "5 fat black chicks" in the parking lot of a Kentucky Fried Chicken. As described by Verbin, one of the "hefty felons" asked him to surrender his milk. Believing that it was a prank, Verbin just laughed at the request. But, as Verbin reported, he realized it was no joke when the "rotund robbers" began "pelting him with a flurry of chubby fists." After the assailants tore the milk from his hands, they relieved him of his Motorola cell phone. He was unable to provide a detailed description of the attackers, except to estimate that the women were in their twenties with a "combined weight of over 7.3 on the Richter Scale". Presumably the quintet slinked off into the night looking for some poor soul carrying a box of Twinkies.

Wedding Canceled Due to Angry Midget

Okaz Daily Journal

Lincoln, Nebraska

Think about the best party you've ever been to, wouldn't it have been better if there were a midget there? You may want to rethink that. A Nebraska groom on his stag night ended up in the hospital and had his marriage postponed after suffering serious injuries. Hours before the wedding, the groom and a couple friends were invited to a party. What they weren’t expecting were the assaults of one very intoxicated Matthew Verbin.

Responding to an ad on Craigslist, several of the groom’s friends hired what they thought would be a fun night partying with what was advertised as a memorable festive atmosphere. "We just thought it would be cool to hire a little person to hang out and party with," said Mark Rivers, "There was nothing mean-spirited about it." Nevertheless when their hired party liaison showed up, things began to go wrong. Witnesses stated that Verbin drank very heavily and began to harass the female workers. "Verbin started on a tirade about how it was people like us who were the problem with this country," said one of the dancers. After several outbursts, security escorted the entire party to the door. Instead of leaving, Verbin got into an altercation with the groom. Before friends and security could pull Verbin off the back of his intended victim, the groom had already suffered several blows to the back of the head with a large rubber adult toy. "We thought he (Verbin) was finally going to leave when he got back into his car," witnesses stated, "but then he got back out of the car holding the biggest rubber penis I have ever seen." Verbin managed to slip away and flee in his 1971 Ford Pinto before Police arrived. Feeling terribly flushed and in obvious pain, the groom was rushed to the hospital.

Verbin’s car was located in neighboring Omaha the following morning. After a short altercation with local police, a Tazer was used and he was taken into custody. The wedding has been postponed while the groom recovers.

Toy Store Gets More Than They Bargained For

The Tulsa Gazzette

Stu Stabalac Reports

12-19-05

In an attempt to obtain a few erotic novelties for a swaray at a Tulsa motel, a Scottsdale, Arizona resident seemed to confuse a local adult toy Shoppe with a nationally recognized children's toy retailer. Police reports stated that Matthew A. Verbin entered the K.B. Toys Store around 11:16pm with a large brown paper bag full of various items. Witnesses stated they observed Verbin launching into a verbal tirade against the 17-year-old clerk when the subject tried to return an adult toy. Police reported the shouting match was the result of Verbin’s all night drinking. When police arrived, Verbin began swinging a large rubber phallus at officers and screaming, "I am Penis Man" at which point he was tazed and taken into custody. Verbin was released the following day. K.B. Toys Store banned Verbin from their location. Within days Christies Toy Box, banned him from their stores also. They did however refund the $6.87 they had overcharged him for one of the items he was trying to return. Matthew Verbin could not be reached for comment.

Police Report

Tucson Arizona

University of Arizona Police Reports

While answering a complaint of lewd sexual activity involving two adult males, University Police discovered Coronado resident and former debunked racecar driver Matthew Verbin hiding naked inside a locked bathroom, which smelled of Marijuana. Several adult toys, a small amount of leafy substance and a glass bong sculpted in the shape of a phallus inscribed with ‘VERBS HERBS’ were found in the room. Upon entering the room, Verbin made quick moves toward the bathroom, according to police reports. Police reports also stated the officer kept Verbin in the room. When asked about the items in his immediate possession, Verbin explained to police that he had just returned from a late Church service, was tired and had not noticed them. Verbin offered no explanation as to their purveyor. Verbin was cited for possession of Marijuana and Drug Paraphernalia and released at the scene.

Police Report

Tucson Arizona

Republic Times Criminal Reports

While attempting to steal a bicycle at 2:22 a.m., debunked racecar driver and AZFBA founder Matthew Verbin was seen discarding a plastic baggie containing 1.7 grams of marijuana near the bicycle racks east of the hall south on North Tyndall Avenue. When asked for identification, Verbin presented the Police with an Orange Monopoly Card with Mr. Verbin’s picture taped on it and the printed name Mister Toad. Verbin was then asked to empty his pockets. According to police reports, Verbin was in possession of a blue marijuana pipe. He said the blue pipe inscribed with 'VERBS HERBS' belonged to another man and that he had found it lying on the pavement and was simply returning it to its rightful owner. He explained to police that he was returning from a late Church service and had never smoked "the green, leafy substance" denying any knowledge of the baggie. The pipe contained residue, police reports stated.

Proof That Verbin Can Travel Through Time

Tachyons are imaginary little particles that travel much faster than light. Matt Verbin has captured one of these in a destabilized vacuum neutrino jar that he designed to the square root of –1. With this he can open Ockham's Razor and walk to a new dimension. Then he channels the negative energy density to fold space using his Magellan Areo Handbook, clearly disproving The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle and alter the fabric of reality.

Now Matthew Verbin has proof of his time travel because he has clearly seen himself from the future. Traveling forward is easy, but to travel back is much more difficult. This is why it took so long in his small life before he saw himself. Many people believe this ability to be impossible, inconceivable, a mere fancy of thought, but Verbin can harness the awesome power to slip and slide into the very thread of time and weave the past, the future, the present and your Timex watch. Through the blink of an eye, he can melt the very world surrounding us like soft cheese on bread with a side of coleslaw, molding it as Matt Verbin see's fit.

For a nominal fee, Matthew Verbin offers insight to comprehend the awesome words that are spoken of. It works kind of like your DVD player, but much bigger, doesn't take DVDs, has a Walmart Universal X-10 Remote and only works at 3:00. Now close your eyes and release your rusty mind from your shacklefords. Let go the rules and the reality of the world.

Now, open your eyes.

THE END